3 Tips for Creating Life-Changing Relationships
It’s your girl Lisa Nichols here and I wanna know…are you spending more concentrated time than ever with family, a romantic partner or roommates due to our current global situation? Are you discovering and adapting to new ways of staying connected with friends, family or co-workers while social distancing?
Trust me, when I say #YANA (you are not alone).
Right now, it’s important to have a courageous conversation around navigating and creating life-changing relationships.
You see, relationships are a topic that people talk about constantly. They really shape, weave and richen the fabric of our lives. One thing I know for sure is at the end of our lives, we won’t be measuring our bank account and or counting how many people followed us on social media. We are going to be looking back and reflecting on the quality of our relationships.
I get asked all the time, “Lisa, how do I create life-changing relationships? How do I stay inside the relationship, communicate openly or grow the relationship–whether it’s a platonic, business, romantic, family or friendship in nature?”
So, I felt it was important (especially now when a lot of relationships are being put to the test) to share my top 3 tips for creating dynamic, life-changing, meaningful, and memorable relationship experiences.
#1 Set Clear Expectations
You must set clear expectations. Every single relationship breakdown for me happened in the gray area. A case of “I thought…you thought…we both thought wrong” vs. “Here’s my understanding of what being in a relationship looks like…Here’s my understanding of what friendship looks like.”
When you DON’T set clear expectations, it’s easy to fail each other. Now I don’t mean for you to say this from a place of demand. “Here’s what I need. Here is what I expect.” It’s more of a “Here is what being in a ____ relationship means to me. Tell me what it looks like to you. Then, let’s find a place in the middle that allows us to dance together in a way that’s mutually satisfying.”
#2 Recognize that Love is an Open-Book Test
Most of us are walking around with our love (or respect or appreciation) books closed saying, “You should know or guess what it looks like to make me happy.” We do that ALL the time, especially women. We complain or get angry, “He’s not doing this or she’s not doing that.” Yet we have never said what love or respect or appreciation or (fill in the blank) looks like to us.
I recently wrote down a list of what being loved looks like to me. I got really specific from sending me a note or an emoji letting me know you’re thinking of me, or an act of kindness, or remembering my favorite foods or holding my hand. Then I took this two-page list and shared pieces of it with the appropriate people in my life. You WOULD NOT BELIEVE all the little things that have been happening in my relationships that make me feel SO good. I am like, “How did they know I needed that?” Then I remembered, “Oh yeah I told them what loving me feels like.”
#3 Replace Confrontation with “Carefrontation”
Confrontation is an uncomfortable moment that involves reconciling something. It usually leaves everyone feeling grinded and even attacked in some cases. “Carefrontation” is going into an uncomfortable moment and sandwiching the discomfort with intention. How do you do this? I’m going to give you the exact sandwich formula here. The first thing you say is your intention:
What I want to happen in this conversation is that we…(can leave locked and loaded on the same page, that we can find a solution, that I can be your ride or die, etc.)
What I value about you is…(then list 3 things that you value, love, admire, or appreciate about the person. These are not fluff or fake. They are real qualities. (“I appreciate how hard you work to provide for our family. I value how much you love our children. I admire your commitment to your career, etc.)
Then present the challenge. (What would make me feel more supported is…what would work better for me is if…I need your support with…)
Finally, at the end of your sandwich, bring back the positive. (“So, I want to honor you for hearing me out…I appreciate you for taking the high road. I value that you care enough to meet me in the middle, etc.)
Creating this sandwich of juicy, delicious, honest, authentic conversation helps move confrontation to carefrontation.
I love reading your comments and feeling your energy. So, please let me know what hit home for you in this particular episode. What was your #BOL (breakthrough out loud)? What was something you needed to hear today to help you make a relationship work?
Remember, I LOVE you, and I BELIEVE in you. These are not just words. I truly do.
Your Sister in Prosperity and Possibility,
i see thank you ,i will try this
thank,s be blessed
I learned oh so much I feel so much better.
Yes I get it CAREfornaton instead of Confrontations
I want to hear more much more. I feel so much better
Thank you Lisa you are a sister indeed love you
I love the clarification of relationships, with family and friends. You hit on so many important points that I learned and are grateful for this amazing teaching. Many blessings to you Lisa. All the best, Diane
Its like you were in a conversation I had with a special friend….from beginning to the very end. Thank you
Great information. Some of it’s stuff that we know but rarely use. I need to use this right now.
Hi Lisa,
I was just in conversation with about relationships & we touched on these points. This is confirmation that we’re on the right path to relationship renewal and rejuvenation. Thank you for sharing your insight.
Carefrontation
This is just like a prophetic message needed now. Thanks so much Lisa
I LOVE THIS AND I LOVE YOU LISA!!!!!!!
More blessings Lisa and I hope to meeting you one day ❤️
Much respect
Lisa, I really want to try this Carefrontation with someone right now. I’ve needed clarification about a new romantic relationship, but didn’t know how to do it without seeming pushy or giving and ultimatum. I think Carefrontation is the solution. Can this be done over the phone, or is it best to wait until we are face-to-face again?
#BOL!!!! “Carefrontation!” Love it!! Thank You Ms Nichols ♥️
section 3 hit me the most “replace confrontation with carenfrontation,All along always try build a gap where there has been mis understanding , but hope to apply this every time
Perfect words, awesome timing! Thanks again Lisa my sister in prosperity….xoxo!
I love you and Thank you Lisa.
“Love is an open book test” set clear expectations is one of the best lessons for me here.
I have not found love in more than 2 years, when I say love, no committed and solid relationships. I know somewhere something is wrong and I just dont know what it is.
I have followed your work since The secret and amazingly I found it easy for me to attract the right friends, career paths, money. I just cant attract love.
This might be my missing step. Definitely goin to apply and share with you.
Thank you Lisa this was just what I needed to see this morning! Sometimes the little confrontations turn to big ones in the blink of an eye! I love the idea of carefrontation! It gives me a different way to conduct myself and for my husband to feel less attacked.
Dear Lisa thank you verry much for this video,well before I also think that people ,my lover has to find out what I like,what I want…but today I just say it out lout,I dont wait annymore,Im not afraid to say my needs annymore,today Im able to create good relationships saying out loud what I like and what I dont like,thats my #BOL
I love your list ideas, started making mine to share with my husband and daughters!
I really need to join your intense classes on relationships I have learned so much. Unconsciously I have always thought I must attack to get them to see the reality of what I what I disagree with as a defense of not being heard understood , respected when speaking my truth you have helped me to navigate to the realm of peace with tools of success . Thank you Lisa .The Best Is Yet To Come For Me listening to your Advanced wisdom and life giving knowledge…
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Thank you now I know what I need to do.
#BOL. Thanks. I needed to hear this message. #1 and #2 spoke to me the most.
Hi,
This is much better for Carefrontation than confrontation.. I think more about my life and how my relationship will look like. This impacted me real hard. I’ve always been the hard, dismissive person and I don’t want to be that person anymore. No more. Thank you…
Love it!!! Clear expectations….allows us to dance together
I really needed to hear #3, I am currently fighting with my partner over parenting and all the time he just keeps quiet and I hate this…hearing how to do “carefrontation” really hits home.
I am blessed with a man that truly loves me even when I push him away.
I have been looking for this Relationship Advice article since long time. Thanks author.
Hola! Muchas gracias por compartir tus experiencias y sabiduría, son muy valiosas para mí. Me gustaría leer más sobre la confrontación desde el amor, dónde puedo hacerlo?
Exitos y bendiciones!!!
This is super helpful as I’m about to suggest a carefrontation with a friend where things got out of control. She attacked me by email based on misunderstandings. I hadn’t considered going into intentions at the beginning. I love the idea of making a list to tell people how I feel most loved. It makes sense to me that otherwise it is a guessing game. I like the idea of speaking intentions not expectations, and letting the other person know what you need. I need to watch that part again. Timely, thanks much, Claudia